幽默笑话集锦
幽默笑话集锦
1、一天，牛给驴出了一个难题，问“蠢”字下面两只虫子哪只是公的，哪只是母的。驴绞尽脑汁，还是答不上来。牛骂道：真是头蠢驴，男左女右嘛！
2. 毕业后七年，总算接了个大工程，造一根三十米烟囱，工期两个月，造价三十万，不过要垫资。总算在去年年底搞完了。今天人家去验收，被人骂得要死，还没有钱拿。妈的! 图纸看反了，人家是要挖一口井！
3. 一醉汉不慎从三楼掉下,引来路人围观, 一警察过来: 发生什么事醉汉：不清楚, 我也是刚到。
4. 医生问病人是怎么骨折的。病人说，我觉得鞋里有沙子，就扶着电线杆抖鞋。TMD有个混蛋经过那里，以为我触电了，便抄起木棍给了我两棍子!
5. 某曰，龟爸、龟妈及龟儿子一家决定去郊游，他们带了一个山东大饼和两罐海底鸡，便出发到阳明山去了。苦爬十年，终于到了！他们席地而坐，卸下装备准备吃饭。结果，却发现没带开罐器！
龟儿子：“……那我回去拿好了。」
龟爸：“乖儿子！快！爸妈等你回来一起开饭，快去快回！
龟儿子：“一定要等我回来！不可食言喔！”于是龟儿子踏上
归途
光阴似箭，岁月如梭，转眼间已过了20 年，龟儿子却尚未出现。龟妈：“老伴……要先开饭不我超饿说……”！!！龟爸：“不行! 我们答应儿子的！嗯……再等他五年，不来就不管他了！”转眼就是五年，龟儿子仍未见踪迹。龟龟爸妈不管了!二老决定开动。拿出大饼正准备开吃……突然，龟儿子从树后探出头来……龟儿子：“靠！我就知道你们会偷吃！骗我回去拿开罐器我等了二十五年，终于被我等到了吧！我最恨人家骗我了！
6. 小鑫：爸爸，为什么我的名字里面三个金呢爸爸：你命里缺金，所以取名叫鑫，就像有些人命里缺水，就取名叫淼，还有些人命里缺木就叫森。小鑫：爸爸，您说那郭晶晶姐姐命里缺什么呢
7. 一对男女朋友坐在公园的长椅上谈恋爱，女突然想放屁。
对男的说：我学部谷鸟叫，你听象不像。
男果然愿听。
于是，女在“布谷布谷”的鸟叫声的掩护下爽快地放了一个
响屁。
女：象不像不谷鸟叫
男：屁声太大，没听清！
8. 乌龟受伤. 让蜗牛去买药。过了2个小时. 蜗牛还没回来。乌龟
急了骂道:他妈的再不回来老子就死了! 这时门外传来了蜗牛的声音: 你他妈再说老子不去了!
9. 某人养一猪，烦，弃之，然猪知归路，数弃无功。一日，其驾车转了很多弯弃猪，深夜致电家人，问：“猪归否”答曰：“已归！”其怒吼：“让它接电话，老子迷路了!"
10. 大象不小心踩到蚂蚁窝，蚂蚁们倾巢而出，纷纷爬到大象身上。大象抖抖身子，蚂蚁们都掉了下来。此时还有一只在大象的脖子上，掉下的蚂蚁大声叫到“掐死它”。
11. 一日上电脑课，有一排同学的电脑死机了。于是一位同学站起来说：“老师，电脑死机了，我们这排全死了。”这时，许多同学都说：“我们也死了。”这时老师问：“还有谁没死”只有一位同学站起来：“我还没死！”老师奇怪的说：“全班都死了，你为什么不死”
12. 一猴子吃花生前都要先塞进屁股再拿出来吃。对此管理员解释道：曾有人喂它桃子，结果桃核拉不出来，猴子吓怕了，现在一定要量好再吃。
13. 小明：“爸爸，我是不是傻孩子啊”爸爸：“傻孩子，你怎
么会是傻孩子呢……”
14. 讲个故事：“从前有个太监..................... ”
有人耐不住问：“下面呢”
继续讲故事：“下面没了啊……”
15. 有个人刚学外语，这天在街上走，不小心踩了一个老外的脚，那人急忙说：“ I'm sorry. ”老外也礼貌的说了句：“ I'm sorry too. ”那人一听，急忙说了句：“ I'm sorry three. ”老外一听傻了，问：“ What are you sorry for ”那人无奈的说：“ I'm sorry five. ” . 唐僧写给孙悟空的一封信
亲爱的悟空：
我这封信写得很慢，因为我知道你看字不快！我们这个礼拜下了2次雨，第一次下了4天第二次下了3天！你在花果山过得好吗我在天庭过得很不好，由于没有地心引力，所以大便、尿、眼泪和鼻涕都掉不下来，你说苦不我们这里的牛肉面很好吃，改天你来了我们一起到西街的餐厅去吃火锅！你的观音大姐要生了，因为不知道生男的还是女的，所以暂时不知道你要当舅舅还是阿姨！我寄给你的衣服你收到了吗要去寄的时候我怕超重，所以把扣子剪下来放在衣服的口袋里！不早了就写到这里了，有空到我这里玩，记得不
要多喝水，不然到了这里尿不出来很难受的！P。S 本来想给你寄
钱的，可是信封已经粘上了！
17. 一个消化不良的病人向医生抱怨：我近来很不正常，吃什么拉什么，吃黄瓜拉黄瓜，吃西瓜拉西瓜，怎样才能恢复正常呢医生沉默片刻，那你只能吃屎了。
18. 某人去上海出差在街上丢了一块钱，民警说：“我们一定帮您找到”一月后那人再去，他丢钱的大街因修路都被挖了开来，他不禁叹“上海的就是实在”
19. 有一天一个蚂蚁正在晒太阳，突然看见大象慢悠悠的走来，忙起身伸直前腿，旁边的兔子忙问你在干吗呢蚂蚁说：“嘘~~~~~~~ 小声点看我拌他一脚”
20. 蚯蚓一家这天很无聊，小蚯蚓就把自己切成两段打羽毛球去了，蚯蚓妈妈觉得这方法不错，就把自己切成四段打麻将去了，蚯蚓爸爸想了想，就把自己切成了肉末。蚯蚓妈妈哭着说：" 你怎么这么傻切这么碎会死的！"蚯蚓爸爸弱弱地说："……突然想踢足球
21. 龟兔赛跑... 兔子很快跑到前面去了.. 乌龟看到一只蜗牛爬得很慢很慢.. 对他说: 你上来，我背你吧.. 然后.. 蜗牛就上来了.. 过了一会.. 乌龟又看到一只蚂蚁.. 对他说: 你也上来吧..
于是蚂蚁也上来了。. 蚂蚁上来以后.. 看到上面的蜗牛.. 对他说了
句"你好"你们知道蜗牛说什么吗蜗牛说: 你抓紧点, 这乌龟好快..
22. 有一天，一家失火了，爸爸妈妈都逃出来了，只剩下一个儿子还在里面。妈妈很紧张的在屋外大喊："儿子阿............... 你在干
麻 ..... 都失火了还不出来......... " 儿子回答：" 我在穿袜子
阿 ... " 妈妈又说，" 都失火了还穿什么袜子 ..... " 过了五分钟，儿
子还没出来... 妈妈又紧张的喊，" 儿子阿，你到底在干什么快出
来~ 都失火了，还待在里面 ... " 儿子说，" 我在脱袜子阿 ......
23. 有个人到河边钓鱼先穿了个树叶~半天没鱼上钩，他又换
了块面包?一样半天没鱼上钩?没办法他只好去换蚯蚓?一样还是半天没鱼上钩~~他气愤之下~掏出100rmb 摔入水中大骂："*—# 要吃什么！自己去买！！！
24. 同桌感冒流鼻涕，但他忘记带手帕了，就不断把鼻涕用力吸入鼻子里。在黑板上写字的> 语文老师突然转过身来大嚷：“够了！给我停止！吵死了！”全班一片安静。老师又> 说：“到底是谁上课时偷吃面条还这么大声”
25. 病人对牙科医生说：“你真会赚钱，只用3 秒钟就赚了3 美元。”医生回答：“如果你愿意的话，我可以用慢动作给你拔。”
26. "自恋"就是下辈子我一定要投胎做女人, 然后嫁个象我这样的男人;" 绝望"就是饭馆吃饭点了两菜,吃第一个:" 世上还有比这更难吃的吗!" 吃第二个"靠! 还真有!"" 无语"就是法官问: 你为什么印** 罪犯说: 真钞我不会印。
27. 织女下凡洗澡认识了牛郎，演绎一段惊天地泣鬼神的爱情故事，这件事告诉我们：在家洗澡是没有机会的，所以洗澡一定要到外面去洗
28. 小明上完厕所回到教室跟老师说:" 厕所有好多蚂蚁" 老师忽然想到蚂蚁的英文ant 这个单词, 于是测试小明:" 蚂蚁怎么说" 小明一脸茫
然……说："蚂蚁他……什么也没说……"
29. 一人上班时老是放响屁, 同事忍不住说他:" 你能不能不出声啊" 然后便看见他坐在那抖个不停. 同事奇怪的问他在干什么, 他答：" 我不出声,现在已经调成振动的了!!!"
30. 母蚊子：" 孩子,你怎么啦"小蚊子哭着说：" 今天小苍蝇它们
欺负我,说我嗜血成性,是吸血鬼." 母蚊子：" 别理它,它们家也不是什么好东西, 一个个都是吃屎长大的,,,,
31. 我花8万买了个西周陶罐,昨儿到＜鉴宝＞栏目进行鉴定,专家严肃地说：" 这哪是西周的这是上周的！
32. 儿子：" 娘,今天我数学测验不及格" 母亲：" 为什么啊,什么题." 儿子：" 老师问我2*3=我说=6." 母亲：" 这没错啊,然后呢." 儿子:"然后老师又问我3*2二"母亲:"这TMD不是一样的么!"儿子:"
我也是这么说的.. 一犯人执行** 决，子弹是"某某县"生产，质量不
好，第一** 没放出，接着又开第二**... 第三** 这时犯人大哭：" 你掐死我吧，太吓人了！"
34. 父亲给儿子讲故事:" 大伯叫小阳去砍柴, 没想到小阳把大伯最爱的桃树给砍掉了, 大伯看到了十分生气却没骂他, 你知道为什么吗"儿子回答道:" 可能是因为小阳手里还拿着斧头. 所以不敢骂他
35. 屎壳郎和蚊子谈恋爱初次见面, 屎壳郎:" 你干啥的"蚊子:" 护士, 打针的" 屎壳郎一把拉住蚊子的手痛哭流涕:" 缘份啊, 俺也是从医的, 中
高考英语阅读理解篇全汇总版
小希老师给同学们总结了2018高考英语真题所有阅读理解的A篇，适合高中各个年级的学生练习及备考使用。 【全国Ⅰ卷】 A Washington, . Bicycle Tours Cherry Blossom Bike Tour in Washington, . Duration: 3 hours This small group bike tour is a fantastic way to see the world-famous cherry trees with beautiful flowers of Washington, . Your guide will provide a history lesson about the trees and the famous monuments where they blossom. Reserve your spot before availability – and the cherry blossoms – disappear! Washington Capital Monuments Bicycle Tour Duration: 3 hours (4 miles) Join a guided bike tour and view some of the most popular monuments in Washington, . Explore the monuments and memorials on the National Mall as your guide shares unique facts and history at each stop. Guided tour includes bike, helmet, cookies and bottled water. Capital City Bike Tour in Washington, . Duration: 3 hours Morning or Afternoon, this bike tour is the perfect tour for . newcomers and locals looking to experience Washington, . in a healthy way with minimum effort. Knowledgeable guides will entertain you with the most interesting stories about Presidents, Congress, memorials, and parks. Comfortable bikes and a smooth tour route (路线) make cycling between the sites fun and relaxing. Washington Capital Sites at Night Bicycle Tour
外研版七年级下英语原文及翻译
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(完整版)外研版英语七年级下册课文.doc
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