TED英语演讲稿：二十几岁不可挥霍的光阴

TED英语演讲稿：二十几岁不可挥霍的光阴

wheniwasinmy20s,isawmyveryfirstpsychotherapyclient.iw asaph.d.studentinclinicalpsychologyatberkeley.shewasa 26-year-

oldwomannamedalex.nowalexwalkedintoherfirstsessionwea ringjeansandabigslouchytop,andshedroppedontothecouchi nmyofficeandkickedoffherflatsandtoldmeshewastheretota lkaboutguyproblems.nowwheniheardthis,iwassorelieved.m yclassmategotanarsonistforherfirstclient.(laughter)an digotatwentysomethingwhowantedtotalkaboutboys.thisith oughticouldhandle.

butididn’thandleit.withthefunnystoriesthatalexwouldb ringtosession,itwaseasyformejusttonodmyheadwhilewekic kedthecandowntheroad.”thirty’sthenew20,”alexwoulds ay,andasfarasicouldtell,shewasright.workhappenedlater ,marriagehappenedlater,kidshappenedlater,evendeathhap penedlater.twentysomethingslikealexandihadnothingbutt ime.

butbeforelong,mysupervisorpushedmetopushalexaboutherl ovelife.ipushedback.

isaid,”sure,she’sdatingdown,she’ssleepingwithaknuc klehead,butit’snotlikeshe’sgoingtomarrytheguy.”

andthenmysupervisorsaid,”notyet,butshemightmarrythen extone.besides,thebesttimetoworkonalex’smarriageisbe foreshehasone.”

that’swhatpsychologistscallan”aha!”moment.thatwast hemomentirealized,30isnotthenew20.yes,peoplesettledow nlaterthantheyusedto,butthatdidn’tmakealex’s20sadev elopmentaldowntime.thatmadealex’s20sadevelopmentalsw eetspot,andweweresittingthereblowingit.thatwaswhenire alizedthatthissortofbenignneglectwasarealproblem,andi thadrealconsequences,notjustforalexandherlovelifebutf orthecareersandthefamiliesandthefuturesoftwentysometh ingseverywhere.

thereare50milliontwentysomethingsintheunitedstatesrig htnow.we’retalkingabout15percentofthepopulation,or10 0percentifyouconsiderthatnoone’sgettingthroughadulth oodwithoutgoingthroughtheir20sfirst.

raiseyourhandifyou’reinyour20s.ireallywanttoseesomet wentysomethingshere.oh,yay!y’all’sawesome.ifyouwork withtwentysomethings,youloveatwentysomething,you’rel osingsleepovertwentysomethings,iwanttosee—

okay.awesome,twentysomethingsreallymatter.

soispecializeintwentysomethingsbecauseibelievethateve rysingleoneofthose50milliontwentysomethingsdeservesto knowwhatpsychologists,sociologists,neurologistsandfer tilityspecialistsalreadyknow:thatclaimingyour20sisone ofthesimplest,yetmosttransformative,thingsyoucandofor work,forlove,foryourhappiness,maybeevenfortheworld.

thisisnotmyopinion.thesearethefacts.weknowthat80perce ntoflife’smostdefiningmomentstakeplacebyage35.thatme

ansthateightoutof10ofthedecisionsandexperiencesand”a ha!”momentsthatmakeyourlifewhatitiswillhavehappenedb yyourmid-

30s.peoplewhoareover40,don’tpanic.thiscrowdisgoingto befine,ithink.weknowthatthefirst10yearsofacareerhasan exponentialimpactonhowmuchmoneyyou’regoingtoearn.wek nowthatmorethanhalfofamericansaremarriedorarelivingwi thordatingtheirfuturepartnerby30.weknowthatthebrainca psoffitssecondandlastgrowthspurtinyour20sasitrewiresi tselfforadulthood,whichmeansthatwhateveritisyouwantto changeaboutyourself,nowisthetimetochangeit.weknowthat personalitychangesmoreduringyour20sthanatanyothertime inlife,andweknowthatfemalefertilitypeaksatage28,andth ingsgettrickyafterage35.soyour20sarethetimetoeducatey ourselfaboutyourbodyandyouroptions.

sowhenwethinkaboutchilddevelopment,weallknowthatthefi rstfiveyearsareacriticalperiodforlanguageandattachmen tinthebrain.it’satimewhenyourordinary,day-to-daylifehasaninordinateimpactonwhoyouwillbecome.butwha twehearlessaboutisthatthere’ssuchathingasadultdevelo pment,andour20sarethatcriticalperiodofadultdevelopmen t.

butthisisn’twhattwentysomethingsarehearing.newspaper stalkaboutthechangingtimetableofadulthood.researchers callthe20sanextendedadolescence.journalistscoinsillyn icknamesfortwentysomethingslike”twixters”and”kidul ts.”it’strue.asaculture,wehavetrivializedwhatisactu allythedefiningdecadeofadulthood.

leonardbernsteinsaidthattoachievegreatthings,youneeda planandnotquiteenoughtime.isn’tthattrue?sowhatdoyout hinkhappenswhenyoupatatwentysomethingontheheadandyous ay,”youhave10extrayearstostartyourlife”?nothinghapp ens.youhaverobbedthatpersonofhisurgencyandambition,an dabsolutelynothinghappens.

andtheneveryday,smart,interestingtwentysomethingslike youorlikeyoursonsanddaughterscomeintomyofficeandsayth ingslikethis:”iknowmyboyfriend’snogoodforme,butthis relationshipdoesn’tcount.i’mjustkillingtime.”orthe ysay,”everybodysaysaslongasigetstartedonacareerbythe timei’m30,i’llbefine.”

butthenitstartstosoundlikethis:”my20sarealmostover,a ndihavenothingtoshowformyself.ihadabetterrésuméthedayafterigraduatedfromcollege.”

andthenitstartstosoundlikethis:”datinginmy20swaslike musicalchairs.everybodywasrunningaroundandhavingfun,b utthensometimearound30itwaslikethemusicturnedoffandev erybodystartedsittingdown.ididn’twanttobetheonlyonel eftstandingup,sosometimesithinkimarriedmyhusbandbecau sehewastheclosestchairtomeat30.”

wherearethetwentysomethingshere?donotdothat.

okay,nowthatsoundsalittleflip,butmakenomistake,thesta kesareveryhigh.whenalothasbeenpushedtoyour30s,thereis enormousthirtysomethingpressuretojump-

startacareer,pickacity,partnerup,andhavetwoorthreekid

sinamuchshorterperiodoftime.manyofthesethingsareincom patible,andasresearchisjuststartingtoshow,simplyharde randmorestressfultodoallatonceinour30s.

thepost-

millennialmidlifecrisisisn’tbuyingaredsportscar.it’srealizingyoucan’thavethatcareeryounowwant.it’sreal izingyoucan’thavethatchildyounowwant,oryoucan’tgive yourchildasibling.toomanythirtysomethingsandfortysome thingslookatthemselves,andatme,sittingacrosstheroom,a ndsayabouttheir20s,”whatwasidoing?whatwasithinking?”

iwanttochangewhattwentysomethingsaredoingandthinking.

here’sastoryabouthowthatcango.it’sastoryaboutawoman namedemma.at25,emmacametomyofficebecauseshewas,inherw ords,havinganidentitycrisis.shesaidshethoughtshemight liketoworkinartorentertainment,butshehadn’tdecidedye t,soshe’dspentthelastfewyearswaitingtablesinstead.be causeitwascheaper,shelivedwithaboyfriendwhodisplayedh istempermorethanhisambition.andashardasher20swere,her earlylifehadbeenevenharder.sheoftencriedinoursessions ,butthenwouldcollectherselfbysaying,”youcan’tpickyo urfamily,butyoucanpickyourfriends.”

welloneday,emmacomesinandshehangsherheadinherlap,ands hesobbedformostofthehour.she’djustboughtanewaddressb ook,andshe’dspentthemorningfillinginhermanycontacts, butthenshe’dbeenleftstaringatthatemptyblankthatcomes afterthewords”incaseofemergency,pleasecall....”shew asnearlyhystericalwhenshelookedatmeandsaid,”who’sgo

ingtobethereformeifigetinacarwreck?who’sgoingtotakec areofmeifihavecancer?”

nowinthatmoment,ittookeverythingihadnottosay,”iwill.”butwhatemmaneededwasn’tsometherapistwhoreally,real lycared.emmaneededabetterlife,andiknewthiswasherchanc e.ihadlearnedtoomuchsinceifirstworkedwithalextojustsi ttherewhileemma’sdefiningdecadewentparadingby.

sooverthenextweeksandmonths,itoldemmathreethingsthate verytwentysomething,maleorfemale,deservestohear.

first,itoldemmatoforgetabouthavinganidentitycrisisand getsomeidentitycapital.bygetidentitycapital,imeandoso methingthataddsvaluetowhoyouare.dosomethingthat’sani nvestmentinwhoyoumightwanttobenext.ididn’tknowthefut ureofemma’scareer,andnooneknowsthefutureofwork,butid oknowthis:identitycapitalbegetsidentitycapital.sonowi sthetimeforthatcross-

countryjob,thatinternship,thatstartupyouwanttotry.i’mnotdiscountingtwentysomethingexplorationhere,butiamd iscountingexplorationthat’snotsupposedtocount,which, bytheway,isnotexploration.that’sprocrastination.itol demmatoexploreworkandmakeitcount.

second,itoldemmathattheurbantribeisoverrated.bestfrie ndsaregreatforgivingridestotheairport,buttwentysometh ingswhohuddletogetherwithlike-mindedpeerslimitwhotheyknow,whattheyknow,howtheythink ,howtheyspeak,andwheretheywork.thatnewpieceofcapital, thatnewpersontodatealmostalwayscomesfromoutsidetheinn

ercircle.newthingscomefromwhatarecalledourweakties,ou rfriendsoffriendsoffriends.soyes,halfoftwentysomethin gsareun-orunder-

employed.buthalfaren’t,andweaktiesarehowyougetyourse lfintothatgroup.halfofnewjobsareneverposted,soreachin gouttoyourneighbor’sbossishowyougetthatun-postedjob.it’snotcheating.it’sthescienceofhowinform ationspreads.

lastbutnotleast,emmabelievedthatyoucan’tpickyourfami ly,butyoucanpickyourfriends.nowthiswastrueforhergrowi ngup,butasatwentysomething,soonemmawouldpickherfamily whenshepartneredwithsomeoneandcreatedafamilyofherown. itoldemmathetimetostartpickingyourfamilyisnow.nowyoum aybethinkingthat30isactuallyabettertimetosettledownth an20,oreven25,andiagreewithyou.butgrabbingwhoeveryou ’relivingwithorsleepingwithwheneveryoneonfacebooksta rtswalkingdowntheaisleisnotprogress.thebesttimetowork onyourmarriageisbeforeyouhaveone,andthatmeansbeingasi ntentionalwithloveasyouarewithwork.pickingyourfamilyi saboutconsciouslychoosingwhoandwhatyouwantratherthanj ustmakingitworkorkillingtimewithwhoeverhappenstobecho osingyou.

sowhathappenedtoemma?well,wewentthroughthataddressboo k,andshefoundanoldroommate’scousinwhoworkedatanartmu seuminanotherstate.thatweaktiehelpedhergetajobthere.t hatjoboffergaveherthereasontoleavethatlive-inboyfriend.now,fiveyearslater,she’saspecialeventspl annerformuseums.she’smarriedtoamanshemindfullychose. sheloveshernewcareer,sheloveshernewfamily,andshesentm

eacardthatsaid,”nowtheemergencycontactblanksdon’tse embigenough.”

nowemma’sstorymadethatsoundeasy,butthat’swhatilovea boutworkingwithtwentysomethings.theyaresoeasytohelp.t wentysomethingsarelikeairplanesjustleavinglax,boundfo rsomewherewest.rightaftertakeoff,aslightchangeincours eisthedifferencebetweenlandinginalaskaorfiji.likewise ,at21or25oreven29,onegoodconversation,onegoodbreak,on egoodtedtalk,canhaveanenormouseffectacrossyearsandeve ngenerationstocome.

sohere’sanideaworthspreadingtoeverytwentysomethingyo uknow.it’sassimpleaswhatilearnedtosaytoalex.it’swha tinowhavetheprivilegeofsayingtotwentysomethingslikeem maeverysingleday:thirtyisnotthenew20,soclaimyouradult hood,getsomeidentitycapital,useyourweakties,pickyourf amily.don’tbedefinedbywhatyoudidn’tknowordidn’tdo. you’redecidingyourliferightnow.thankyou.(applause) 译文、

记得见我第一位心理咨询顾客时，我才20多岁。当时我是berkeley临床心理学在读博士生。我的第一位顾客是名叫alex的女性，26岁。第一次见面alex穿着牛仔裤和宽松上衣走进来，她一下子栽进我办公室的沙发上，踢掉脚上的平底鞋，跟我说她想谈谈男生的问题。

当时我听到这个之后松了一口气。因为我同学的第一个顾客是纵火犯，而我的顾客却是一个20出头想谈谈男生的女孩。我觉得我可以搞定。但是我没有搞定。

alex不断地讲有趣的事情，而我只能简单地点头认同她所说的，很自然地就陷入了附和的状态。alex说、“30岁是一个新的20岁。”没错，我告诉她“你是对的”。工作还

早，结婚还早，生孩子还早，甚至死亡也早着呢。像alex和我这样20多岁的人，什么都没有但时间多的是。

但不久之后，我的导师就要我向alex的感情生活施压。我反驳说、“当然她现在正在和别人交往，她现在和一个傻瓜男生睡觉，但看样子她不会和他结婚的。”而我的导师说、“不着急，她也许会和下一个结婚。但修复alex婚姻的最好时期，是她还没拥有婚姻的时期。”

这就是心理学家说的“顿悟时刻”。正是那个时候我意识到，30岁不是一个新的20岁。

的确，和以前的人相比，现在人们更晚才安定下来，但是这不代表alex就能长期处于20多岁的状态。更晚安定下来，应该使alex的20多岁成为发展的黄金时段，而我们却坐在那里忽视这个发展的时机。从那时起我意识到，这种善意的忽视，确实是个问题，它不仅给alex本身和她的感情生活带来不良后果，而且影响到处20多岁的人的事业、家庭和未来。

现在在美国，20多岁的人有五千万，也就是15%的人口，或者可以说所有人口，因为所有成年人都要经历他们的20多岁。我专门研究20多岁的人，因为我坚信这五千万的20多岁的人，每一个人都应该去了解那些心理学家、社会学家、神经学家和生育专家已经知道的事实、你的20多岁是极简单，却极具变化的时期之一。你20多岁的时光决定了你的事业、爱情、幸福甚至整个世界。

这不是我的看法。这些是事实。我们知道80%决定你生活的时刻发生在35岁之前。这就意味着你生活的重要决定、经历和突然的领悟，有八成是在你30多岁之前发生的。那些超过40岁的朋友不要惊慌，我想这群人会没事的。

我们知道职业生涯的前XX年，对你将来的收入有重大影响。我们知道到了30岁的时候，超过半数的美国人会结婚，或者和未来的另一半同居或者约会。我们知道人在20多岁的时候，大脑停止第二次也是最后一次重组，以适应成年世界

的快速发育阶段。这就意味着不管你想怎样改变自己，现在是时间改变了。

我们知道在20多岁的时候，性格的改变多于生命中任何时期。我们也知道女性的最佳生育时期，在28岁的时候达到顶峰，35岁之后生育变得困难。所以你的20多岁正是了解你自身和选择的时期。

当我们想到孩童的成长时，我们都知道1-5岁，是大脑学习语言和感知的重要时期。这个时期，日常的普通生活，都会对你的未来道路影响巨大。但是我们却很少听到成年发展期，而我们的20多岁正是成年发展期的关键。

但是20多岁的人却听不到这些，报纸讨论的只是成年年龄界线的变更。研究者称20多岁是延长的青春期。记者就引用傻傻的外号称呼20多岁的人，比如“twixters”(twenty-mixters)和“kidults”(kid-adults)。这是真的。作为一种文化，我们的忽视的正是对成年起到决定性作用的十年(从20岁到30岁)。

雷昂纳德·伯恩斯坦说过、要想取得成就，你需要一个计划和紧迫的时间。这是大实话啊!所以当你拍着一个20多岁的人的脑袋，跟他说，“你有额外的XX年去开始你的生活”，你觉得这改变了什么?什么都没改变。你只是夺走了那个人的紧迫感和雄心壮志，绝对没有改变什么。

然后每天，那些聪明有趣的20多岁的人，就像你们和你们的儿子女儿一样，走入我的办公室开始说、“我知道我的男朋友对我不够好，但是我们的关系不算数。我只是在消磨时光而已。”或者说“每个人都告诉我，只要能在30岁的时候开始我的事业，这就足够了。”

但是实际听上去却是、“我马上就要三十了，却根本就没有东西展示。我只是在大学毕业时，有过一份最漂亮的简历。”或是这样、“我20多岁时的约会，就像找凳子。每个人都绕着凳子跑，随便玩一玩，但是快30的时候，就像音乐停止了，所有人开始坐下。我不想成为那唯一站着的人，所

以有时候我会想我和我丈夫之所以会结婚，是因为在我30岁的时候，他是当时离我最近的那张凳子。”

20多岁的人呐，千万不要这样做。这个做法听起来有点轻率，但是不要犯错，因为风险很高。当很多事都被挤到你30多岁的时候，就会有巨大压力，在很短的时间内快速启动一项事业，挑一个城市，找到伴侣，生两三个孩子。这些事大多是不能同时完成的，正如研究表明，在30岁的时候，要想工作、生活一步到位，难度很高，压力很大。

千禧年后的中年危机并不是一辆红色跑车。而是意识到你不能拥有你想拥有的事业，意识到你不能拥有你想要的孩子，或者给你的孩子添个兄弟姐妹。太多30多岁40多岁的人，看看他们自己，看看我，坐在屋子里谈论自己的20多岁，“我当时都干么了?我当时都想啥了?”我想改变现在20多岁人的所思所为。

这里我想讲个故事说明问题。这个故事是关于名叫emma 一个女人。她25岁的时候，走入我的办公室，因为用她自己的话说，她有自我认识危机。她说她也许想从事关于艺术或者娱乐的工作，但是她还没决定。所以取而代之的是，她花了过去几年的时间当服务员。为了减少开销，她和她的男朋友同居，一个脾气暴躁而无志向的人。

正如她悲惨的20多岁，她早年的生活更加悲惨。她经常在谈话过程中哭泣，努力镇定下来后说“你没办法选择你的家庭，但是你可以选择你的朋友。”有一天，emma走进来，她双手抱头于膝盖，然后抽泣了几乎一个小时。她刚买了一个新的通讯录本子，然后花了一整个早上的时间，填写她的联系人信息。当她填到“万一发生紧急情况，请联系…”的时候，她没有任何人可填。

她几乎崩溃地看着我并说，“如果我被车撞了，谁会在那里?假如我得癌症了，谁会在那里?”在那种情况下，我花了好大力气才忍住说“我会。”emma所需要的，并不是理疗师所真正关心的。她需要一个更好的生活，我知道这是她的

机会。自alex开始，我从这份工作上学到了很多，不能只是坐在那里看着emma十年黄金定型期白白消逝。所以接下去的几个星期几个月，我告诉emma三件事，所有20多岁的男生女生都值得听一听。

首先，我告诉emma忘掉她的自我认识危机，去获得一些身份认定的资本。

身份资本是指做增加自我价值的事。为自己下一步想成为的样子，做一些事一些投资。我不知道emma的工作将来是什么样的，也没人知道将来的工作是什么样的，但是我知道、身份资本会创造出更多身份资本。

现在是时候去尝试你想要的海外工作、实习或者新起点。我不是轻视20多岁的自我探索，而是轻视那些随便玩玩无所谓的探索，或者从某种意义上说那不是探索。那是拖沓!我告诉emma去探索工作，让她的探索有所回报。

第二，我告诉emma不要高估自己的朋友圈。

好朋友会载你去机场，而和“志同道合的朋友”瞎混的20多岁的人，他们的交际圈、知识面、思维方式、说话方式和工作层面都被限制住了。新的资本或者新的约会对象，往往是从内部交际圈之外来的。新的事情来自我们所谓的“远的关系”，我们朋友的朋友的朋友。

没错，半数20多岁的人，处在失业和半失业的状态。但是另外一半的人却不是这样的，“远的关系”正是你融入一个新的群体的纽带。有半数的新工作从来不公示出来，所以联络你邻居的老板，是你找到那些未公示工作的方式。这不叫作弊，这是信息传播的科学方式。

最后一点也很重要，emma相信你无法选择你的家庭，但是你可以选择你的朋友。可这只是她成长时期的状况。

作为一个20多岁的人，emma很快会与某人为伴组建她自己的新家庭。我告诉emma现在就是你选择你家庭的时候。现在你也许会想相比于20岁，25岁或30岁时组建家庭会更好。我同意你的看法。但是当你facebook上的朋友，都开始

步入婚姻殿堂时，你随便抓一个人一起生活、睡觉，绝对不是组建家庭的过程。

经营你婚姻的最佳时间，是你还没结婚的时候，这意味要像你为了工作一样精心谋划。选择你的家庭，是有意识地去选择你想要的人和事，而不是为了结婚或者消磨时光，任意选择一个正好选择你的人。

emma发生了什么变化呢?

我们翻了一遍通讯录，她发现她原来的舍友的表妹，在另一个州的一家艺术博物馆工作。这层远关系帮助她在那里得到一份工作。这份工作给她一个理由离开她那同居的男友。现在五年过去了，她是一名博物馆特别活动策划者。她和一个她用心选择的男人结婚了。她爱她的事业，她爱她的新家，她寄给我一张贺卡写道，“现在紧急联系栏似乎不够填呢。”

emma的故事听起来简单，这正是为什么我爱和20多岁人打交道。帮助20多岁的人很容易。20多岁就像离开洛杉矶飞往西部某处的飞机，起飞之后，一点小小变化，都会影响到它最终将降落在阿拉斯加还是斐济。

同理，在你21岁，25岁甚至29岁的时候，一次好的谈话、好的休息、好的ted演讲，能在未来的几年甚至几代人的时间里，带来巨大的影响。因此这个想法值得传达给每一个你所认识的20多岁人。这想法就像我后来告诉alex的话一样简单。

我每天都对像emma这样的20多岁的人说、30岁不是一个新的20岁，所以规划好你的成年生活，获得一些身份认同资本，利用你的远关系，选择你的家庭。不要被你所不知道的，从未做过的事所禁锢。你现在的作为决定着你的人生。

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