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雅思5.5分-作文范文参考

●批改By Will

本次批改严格按照ILETS大作文评分标准进行。ILETS大作文评分项：TR (论证扣题度), CC (连贯性及一致性), GRA (语法范围及精准度), LR (词汇资源)。文末会进行总评及打分。

●文中标识：

用词不当逻辑错误语法错误修改添加

With the rate of economy and the development of technology, people in the public hunger (表述不当，可改为in poorer condition)to receive more money to improve the level of their lifestyle. Under this background, many people start to doing part-time job. In my opinion, the disadvantages of this outweigh its advantages. There are some reasons to explain it.

First for the most (注意词组不要漏词，first and for most), taking temporary jobs can make bring heavier work pressure. In modern city, there are too much (后面的‘difficulties’是可数名词，改为many) challenging difficulties for people to overcome. It can waste their power (用词不当，改为energy)and let them not dynamic(词不达意，无法理解这里想表达什么意思). Then, part-time jobs usually start on weekend or evening which in this period for people in the public to keep balance in their health (这句话句法结构不完整，其中没有谓语，表达也不太恰当。改为: in which the body keeps its balance). If people who have part-time jobs still work hard, they will be nervous for main jobs. So, everyone should focus on main jobs because it can help them to achieve a high grade. It’s clear that disadvantages of them (指代不清，应写出‘part-time jobs’) can cause serious mistakes.

In addition to this, part-time jobs are not suitable for some people’s major. Nowadays, diverse kinds of part-time jobs need suitable people to work. If they choose wrong jobs, they will feel terrible and can’t earn respect from others. Just like (just like后加名词作状语，不能加句子或单独作为状语，改为for example，) someone is good at teaching, but he choose a worker for his part-time job. Tried (要用名词作主语，改为Tiredness) dominated his body and take control of his main job. These negative affects can influence the waste of resource (用词不当，不该用’influence’，改为：can induce the waste of resources).

To sum up, people in the mordent city almost suffer from heavier work pressure. Whatever how much money they can receive, people should consternate to their major. In my opinion, this way is not a positive measure to reduce struggles from other aspects. So, I claim that

disadvantages of temporary jobs are more than the advantages.

总评5.5 (TR5.5 CC5.5 LR5.0 GRA5.5)

1.语法问题不多，但是句型变化不多。

2.用词不当依旧是比较严重的问题，可以总结一下你每次哪些词用的不对吧，一起复习。

3.下一次试图写一下问题的双边，不是说你支持一边就不用说另一边的，这样显得比较片面，内容上也不太完整。

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Topic 1: When international media (including movies, fashion shows, advertisements and other TV programs) convey the same messages to the global audience, people argue that the expansion of international media has negative impacts on cultural diversity. What is your opinion? 媒体信息一致的缺点： ?国际媒体（global media)—般掌握在少数几个有实力的机构手中（in the hands of a few, large, powerful organizations)；有了媒体的宣传(propaganda)后,西方文化成了主流(domineering force),大规模的、有吸引力的广告(mass seductive advertising )唤起了落后地区人们对物质新的向往（create fresh desires),经济联系增强（strong economic ties),西方产品取代了本地产品，使人们更加向往西方的文化； ?文化开始融合在一起(mingle),人们被新的价值观所围绕(bombarded with new values)，对自己的文化失去信心和自豪感（confidence and pride),拒绝接受自己的文化传统（rejection of their cultural heritage)转而接受西方的文化习惯（adoption of Western cultural practices);西方媒体削弱了民族的特征(ethnic identity)和社会的凝聚力（social cohesion);因为担心失去观众(a loss of viewers),当地的电视台也开始播放西方的电视节目（television shows), ?国际媒体的普遍会降低世界文化的品质和多样性（degrade the quality and diversity of world culture);文化被商业化（commercialized), —些文化产品（cultural goods),如音乐、服装，都变成了商品（commodities in the marketplace)。因此，即便一些文化在世界其他地方传播，它原来的性质（authenticity)已经丧失。媒体信息一致的优点： ?国家之间的频繁交往会促进文化之间的交流。因此，相互了解和相互认同的可能性(likelihood of mutual understanding and mutual acceptance )就会增加，这是顺应全球化的趋势； ?未必一定放弃传统观念（not necessarily lead to the abolition of traditional values),事实上媒体可以起到宣传和稳固传统文化的作用； ?主流媒体一般都会反应文化多元性（The dominant media reflect cultural diversity.); —些外国节目其实促进了文化多元性(Most foreign programming is promoting cultural diversity.),适应了当地的条件（adapt to local conditions)，注意到了当地文化的敏感性（aware of cultural sensitivity).自我调节来适应市场(exercise self-censorship to suit the market :)。 As international media companies expand across the world, the growing popularity and uniformity of some media programs (such as TV shows, movies, fashion shows) is causing worldwide concern. Many people have strong views toward this trend. In my opinion, international media is closely linked to cultural globalization and cultural homogeneity. The dominance of international media is a sign of Western cultural imperialism and has the potential to thwart cultural diversity. It is not a secret that international media is owned and operated by a handful of giant corporations, such as Time Warner. They control large sectors of the media market and place national media companies at risk. The contraction in the number of media owners will cause a proportional reduction, in the variety of programs broadcasted. For example, painting, music and movies accessible in the media have a small number of genres, imposing restraints on one's knowledge of artworks of different cultural backgrounds. In addition to seizing control over those creative industries, global entertainment companies affect cultural diversity by reshaping the perceptions, beliefs and norms of ordinary citizens in different countries. Most of the cultural values and ideals promoted by the leading mainstream media are of American origin. American culture values individuality, maximization of one's benefits and material wealth, rather than communal life and family solidarity, the values and norms previously treasured in" many Asian countries. Unfortunately, many Asian people now imitate American people, causing the alteration of their perceptions of family. This radical change can be attributed to those movies and TV programs that portray the success of American individuals or corporations.

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